So here’s the thing. I did not get to where I am today by being nice. I mean in this line of work you have to step over people and you have to do what is necessary for you to progress, and be recognized, be respected. I like that, the respect, I like walking into a congress room and everyone knowing who I am. The big-shot, the high-flyer, the guy who publishes week after week in the best journals. And yes, I had to make sacrifices; I had to compromise my personal life for my work. And now I have come to terms with this fact and I am absolutely OK with it. I remember when I was younger and I was staring at these big-name Professors in amazement and yes, a bit of jealousy. But I always knew I wanted to be like them, no, no I wanted to be better than them. And now here I am. At the top of my game earlier than anyone expected me to. And fuck yeah, I am enjoying this.
But here is this other thing though, now that I am lying here in the sand, darkness all around me and nothing but a rich, silver sky above me, mentally exhausted after these past 24hrs I have come to an absolute realization…
24hrs earlier.
We landed at San Diego international airport on time. As soon as I walked out of the terminal the hot sticky atmosphere grabbed me by the throat. I jumped in a cab and went straight for the hotel. It was one of these ‘Spa’ places in the middle of nowhere, mainly occupied by people attending business meetings and random stress-freaks trying to find their inner peace. I left my luggage in my room and went for a walk. The front part of it was literally ‘hanging’ from a cliff overlooking the ocean. Bathed in a glorious sunshine I looked at the open water in front of me and closed my eyes just for a second. The place felt strangely mystical.
I was due to give the keynote address of the meeting at exactly 7 pm, followed by an open discussion and a wine reception. Everything went rather smoothly, I got a standing innovation from what appeared to be an impressed audience and then people gave me the ‘I have been admiring your work for years’ treatment in private conversations amid cocktails and uncomfortable silences.
“That was a great talk, James as always!”
“Thank you, I appreciate that.”
“I was wondering about the whole-genome approach that you took towards interpreting the phenotype?”
“Yes, what about exactly?”
“Well is that the …..” and then I drifted off. As this man was standing in front of me mumbling about cells and tissues and in vivo experiments I started thinking about…well about the summers. Don’t ask me why, I mean, I guess maybe it was the happiest I have ever been and maybe now… Well anyway, the summers when I was still a boy, the taste of cold, sweat watermelon and the taste of seawater, the cool breeze of the afternoon sitting in the shade and the..
“So you do agree with me? Professor Hunter?” I hadn’t the faintest clue what this guy was talking about. In fact I couldn’t even remember his name. However I could still bullshit my way out of this situation anyway.
“Well, eeh yes, in principal I do agree”
“Well, that’s great then! Shall we talk some more?”
Shit! I thought to myself. “Yes, of course, do you mind if we get a drink first?”
“No not at all, what a great idea.”
Shit again, there is no way I am getting rid of this guy is there? As we made our way through the hotel I caught a glance of a figure that seemed strangely familiar to me. He was over at the other side of a crowded lobby with his back turned towards me chatting to a woman. He was dressed exactly like me. Dark trousers, blue navy shirt, perfectly groomed hair, exactly like mine. How fucking odd? I stopped to get a better look when a group of German business men walked right in front of me and then he was gone. Both him and the woman.
“Professor? Is everything OK?” Unfortunately the ‘I am so interested in your work guy’ was still there with me.
“Yes, I am fine” I said.
“I believe the wine reception is that way”.
The reception was awfully boring. A bunch of unsuccessful, underperforming phonies exchanging useless remarks. I shouldn’t even be here. How could these people think in was actually interested in hearing what they had to say about my work. All I could think of was this strange man. The other me. I just bullshitted my way through the evening and pretended I was suffering from jet-lag and got myself out of there as soon as I could.
A few minutes later I found myself at the hotel bar. I was deeply troubled and felt like having another drink. The place was half-empty, a fairly gifted piano player gave it a cozy, warm feeling while the bartender was incredibly polite and bored at the same time. I sat by myself on a stool at the end of the bar, ordered a Jameson on the rocks and tried to relax. Who the hell was that man? Was it just a coincidence that he looked exactly like me? Maybe I was overreacting, I mean at the end of the day I did not manage to get a descent look at him.
“Hi”
Shit! It was the woman that I had seen speaking with him earlier; she was now sitting next to me at the bar. She was in her mid-thirties, firm, tanned body, blond hair, huge fake boobs and a mysterious smokey voice.
“Hello” I said back.
“I was just about to go; you were so late I thought you were not going to come”
“Excuse me?”
“Are you trying to avoid me James?”
“Well, no not really, but how do you know my name?”
“What do you mean? Is this another one of your games? Strangers meeting in the bar? I thought we already played that game last night. Let’s just get down straight to the sex part tonight, shall we?”
“Well, aah..that would be nice I guess but I think you have mistaken me for someone else.”
“But your name is James is not?”
“Well, my name is James, but I did not play games with you last night and I most certainly did not have sex with you. Trust me, I would remember.”
“Look, if you don’t want to see me again then its fine!” She got up and turned around to leave when I grabbed her by the arm.
“No wait, its not fine, listen, this guy that you met last night, his name was James?”
“Well, that’s how you introduced yourself!”
“Right, and did he….or I tell you what I do?”
“You said you were a hot shot scientist or something. Listen, are you sick or something? ”
“No, well I think someone is playing a game with me.”
“Whatever, I ‘m off”
“Wait, can I ask you one more thing?”
“What now?”
“Was I ….at least good in bed?”
“Jesus, you are weird…Well for what it’s worth, you thought you were great, but you were pretty average”
And then she left. Was I loosing my mind? Is it possible that someone else so similar to me exists? How fucking special does that make me then? I ordered myself another drink and tried to go over my conversation with the strange blond. Apparently a guy with my name, doing my job is walking around in this strange place. Was that the guy I had seen earlier? Maybe I should ask the piano player to play me the theme from the twilight zone. It surely felt like I was in it.
Instead, the piano player started playing this jazzy tune that sounded strangely familiar to me. Yeah, it was a Charlie Mingus tune that I had not heard for a long time, called “Orange was the color of her dress, then blue silk”, used to be one of my favorites. I turned around to look at him and there he was, the strange other me with his back turned was chatting to the piano player. I got up and went straight for him but before I got there he walked outside.
“Hey!” he did not stop, did not even turn around. I turned around to the piano player.
“Sorry, this tune that you are playing now? Why are you playing it?”
“Well Sir, didn’t you just ask me to? You said it was one of your favorites”
I stormed outside and run after him, i turned right at the corridor and ended up in the hotel lobby. It was busy again, I had a look through the crowd and caught and glimpse of him going into the men’s room. I pushed people aside and kicked the door open.
“Hey! who the hell are you man? Why are you pretending to be me?” I shouted. When he turned around I realized this was the wrong guy.
“What did you say?”
“Ohh, shit, sorry, I was just looking at you and..”
“What? Are you a fucking pervert or something?”
“No, no….i just..”
“What are you doing staring at me while I am taking a piss?”
“No you see I thought you were someone else”
“You are a pervert aren’t you?”
“Oh shut up you big, stupid fuck, I mistook you for someone else!” And that’s when he punched me. I fell on the floor, nose bleeding. I felt helpless. What is happening to me? A few hours ago I was the whole lot, successful, brilliant, unique. And yet now I don’t even know who I am anymore. What is it that that defines me? Work, the way I look? My head felt heavy. I fell asleep and dreamed about the summers.
I don’t know how long I was lying there but when I woke up, my nose hurt like hell. I got up and washed my face clean. I tried not to look my self in the mirror. I just stood there, with nothing but the noise of the water dripping in the sink, echoing in an empty, white-clean toilet of a spa-hotel in southern California. A man walked in and gave ma a weird look. Time to go.
And that’s when it happened, I got out of the toilet and there he was. Standing right in front of me. That’s when I came face to face with my self. I was stunned, speechless, the clothes, the face, the way he was looking at me. The eyes…I looked straight into those eyes and felt like I was falling down a deep, empty bottomless well. Freefalling.
He looked back at me and gave me a hint of a smile. Then he turned around, walked out of the door and I watched him through the glass as he got into a brilliant-white convertible and drove away. What was there to smile about?
I stood there motionless, until the man that had given me the weird look a few moments before in the toilet gave me another one as he was getting out. I pulled myself together and started walking. I got out of the hotel. It was a beautiful night, no moon the sky was painted with myriads of silver stars. The cool ocean breeze comforted my shocked face. I walked towards the beach, leaving the distant sound of a group of people laughing joyfully behind me. I walked and walked along the sea until I felt like lying down. It was so peaceful, like the summers when I was just a little boy…
Maybe this ghost of mine was not real…maybe I created him…
Anyway like I said in the beginning, lying here in the sand, looking at the starry sky above me I have come to a moment of clarity. I absolutely conceive how vast and endless the universe is. I really do. I really, really do. What an awfully beautiful waste of space…spreads all around my tiny, insignificantly existence. I guess there are ways of making it significant and unique. Maybe I have just forgotten how to do that.
Funnily enough all I can think of is that Don Mclean song. The one about the Van Gogh painting, how does it go exactly? I can’t quite remember the lyrics but something along these lines…
“Starry
starry night
look out on a summer's day
with eyes that know the
darkness in my soul.
And now I understand what you tried to say to me
how you tried to set them free.
They would not listen
they did not know how
perhaps they'll listen now.”
Shit…I need to start listening to music again.
THE END
